Loyalty is one of the themes explored in the work of Family Constellations, and more specifically the energies of hidden or unconscious loyalty. In the adult world loyalties are easy to see in reference to one’s nation, ethnic group, religion, family, political affiliation and sports teams, among others. Loyalty is one aspect of belonging to a group, and it can also be a measure of the intensity of belonging. Different groups require and even demand various proofs of loyalty. A powerful exercise you might consider is to make a list of all the groups to which you belong. Think about the intensity of the loyalty you have to each, and under what conditions your loyalty may change or be tested. It’s impossible to be loyal to all of them equally and at the same time.
When a child is conceived and newly incarnated, her spirit has just arrived in a body from the non-physical world of oneness. She is completely open and loves unconditionally, and she has agreed on the soul level to be born into a world of duality, at a certain time, into a certain family, under specific conditions at a specific place on Earth. She is helpless and dependent on, at first, the conditions in her mother’s womb, and after birth on her parents or primary caregiver for survival. Her openness allows her to absorb both the physical stimuli as well as the emotional energies of her environment. As she grows and becomes a more independent agent, testing the boundaries of her world, she will learn how going along with the family’s approach to life relates to belonging and survival, and how defying the family’s approach leads to various outcomes.
The invisible loyalties of the family in relation to belonging, career, marriage, money, friends and every aspect of life usually remain unexamined in her unconscious until adolescence and individuation. It’s during this stage of life that tension may arise between some of her movements toward her personal interests and what confers belonging in her family. As she matures into an adult it will bring strength to her character to practice fully owning and embodying the approaches to life which are right for her even though they conflict with her family’s ways. Knowing that she honors and respects the ways that were right for her parents’ lives will free her to make choices to create her own life, and still love her parents for all of who they are.
When two people marry they bring with them their own loyalties to how things were done in each of their families of origin with regard to finances, chores, child-raising and discipline, holidays and vacations, sex, fighting, food and many other things. When conflict arises and these loyalties remain unexamined there remains underneath an attitude that ‘my way is better’, which is really an unexpressed version of ‘my family is better.’ It can be helpful for a couple to consciously examine and share about each other’s loyalties, and know that when in conflict there are many more than just two people fighting for predominance- the ancestors are also having their say in the conversation.
What are ways some of your unexamined, invisible loyalties have created conflict in your life, and how have you navigated that conflict?