““If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.” -from the Secret Gospel of Thomas, part of the Gnostic Gospels found in a large clay jar by peasant Arab farmers at Nag Hammadi in Egypt, December 1945.
I was recently discussing with a friend my relationship with money. She was in town visiting Kelly and I, and staying with us while attending a conference called “Master Your Money.” She admitted that, when invited to reflect on some of the questions raised at the conference, she had never considered having a relationship with money, and was exploring what that meant to her and what inner images related to money she carried in her unconscious. We ended up having a long exchange about the elements in our relationships with money, and I found a way to put into words something that’s guided me ever since I took a leave from my conventional life as a project engineer with GM, and began following my heart into music and drumming and later, healing.
Our parents gave my sisters and me a real passion for reading, and as a sensitive kid I spent a lot of time in the many worlds I found in books. Along with providing a good foundation to my education and familiarity with a large vocabulary, reading stimulated the growth of my imagination and helped me in later years to perceive the world behind the world- the invisible threads of connection and hidden influences that bring people strengths and resources, as well as the difficulties of entanglements that can hinder thriving and success. While remaining grounded in clear consciousness in the midst of leading a drumming ensemble, I can simultaneously invite and create inner space for the presence of the lineage of my teachers that stretches back to the origins of humankind in South Africa; this opens a channel to the divine source through which the fullness of vital life energies can pass through my being, my hands and my drum and be transmitted to everyone listening to the music.
In the conversation with my friend about money, I came to realize that when I took the risk in January of 1988 to leave what my family and friends, most of the students with whom I studied engineering, and society in general considered a safe, respected and prosperous career, I actually made the first breakthrough leap in trusting an inner voice that had been with me since I was a child connecting with the essence of rhythm. I didn’t know what awaited me after the jump. I only knew that my spirit was dissipating in the environment in which I was working. I always came to life listening to music and talking about drumming, and I had something vital to contribute to the world that I had been pushing down and avoiding for much of my life. I’m not sure I would have described it that way at the time, but from the perspective I hold 30 years later, that’s how a battle in my psyche was raging.
It wasn’t until the recent conversation with my friend that I realized what happened for me internally. As it turns out, I made a deal with spirit and said, I’m going to trust that this liberating surge of energy I’m experiencing in leaving the career I’ve dutifully driven myself to pursue will lead me in healthy ways, and I’m also going to trust that my needs will be provided for. I had no details regarding what my life would look like externally, as I had no friends who were musicians or artists, and hadn’t even taken a music lesson in my entire life. I didn’t need to know too much as I had no college debt after having attended an engineering co-op school, I had money saved, and I wasn’t married and had no children to support. I had a good degree and work experience and I could go back into engineering if needed- but I wanted to go forward, not back. I got to dive into a big lake of freedom and spent four months that summer roaming the U.S. and Canada on a Honda CB900 motorcycle, following the threads my spirit laid out for me and building my relationship with trust everywhere I went. It was truly an adventure, and it was mine and no one else’s.
That sense of adventure and trust has continued to guide me in the ways I manage my finances. I haven’t had a regularly expected income since 1993, and I am paid by perhaps a hundred or more people or organizations each year. Kelly is alternately amazed or appalled at how much less attention I give to tracking my money compared to what works for her. In turn, I’ve learned a lot from her about the benefits of steadily planning for necessary future expenses and dreams like international vacations. My material needs are modest and well satisfied; it’s meaningful experiences and relationships that most inspire and feed me. As one of my first spiritual teachers used to say, I feel like I’m on god’s expense account. There is a gift that spirit hid within me before I was born, and I’ve found it, listened to the guidance of both inner and outer helpers on how to say yes to the gift, and done the necessary hard work to manifest that gift into my work in the world. I continue to trust that whatever I’ll need to keep increasing the sharing of that gift will show up for me.
