One of the strong medicines in the healing method of Family Constellations is the valuation of acceptance of all that has happened in our lives, over the practice of forgiveness of another.  Before I came to this work I had more understanding of forgiveness than of acceptance, both at the cosmic level through the sacrament of confession in the Catholic Church and the forgiveness of sins, and through my socialization which impressed upon me the necessity to do what it takes to eventually forgive another who has hurt me.  When younger, I felt that the compulsion to bestow forgiveness came from a place of superiority, and the vague sense that I would prevail as a better person than the bully who insulted me if I didn’t hold a grudge against him. I would rise above his unworthy level. It’s clear to me now there was a twisted sense of revenge in that approach!  I don’t think this was any direct teaching from the church or my family, more the limitations of my own evolving awareness. With years of living I came to a different understanding- that forgiveness, especially when difficult, frees me from carrying the resentment in my emotional and energetic systems, and disconnects me from an invisible cord that keeps me tied to the perpetrator.  I also understand now that with enough time and intensity, suppressed resentment makes us physically ill.

At the level of the mind, which is very good at making comparisons, we want to know there is order, fairness, and a balanced accounting for harms that have been done to us.  And we feel pain for the many times this does not happen in the way we would like- and a different kind of pain when we don’t get the satisfaction of an apology from someone we feel has transgressed against us.  With deeper wounds and longer stretches of time without resolution, we may create an energetic node within our being pulsating in a way that attracts a variety of difficult experiences into our life, all somehow relating to what hasn’t been healed and released.  This can be the beginning of a pattern of victimhood in consciousness. It may seem like cruelty, but it can more helpfully be perceived as an intensifying signal from spirit that something remains in the depths from which we are to learn. As many healers (including Barbara Brennan) have taught, our greatest gifts often lie buried, surrounded by our deepest wound.

In the practice of Family Constellations, I find that the deepest healing takes place at the level of the soul- the parts of ourselves that are eternal, and which travel with us from lifetime to lifetime.  A family of origin is seen as a collection of souls that has somehow, in a mystical sense, agreed to come together to have experiences on Earth, and play archetypal roles of parent, child, and sibling together.  Each person brings their own accumulated lessons and unresolved issues from their individual soul path, as well as what they have inherited from the ancestral lineage in this lifetime. The family soul is nested within and affected by the oversouls of the groups to which it belongs- the neighborhoods, schools, work communities and religious institutions, as well as the city, state, region, nation, and continent.  Furthermore, this family and its sphere of influence are held in the vast soul field of humanity, which has its own cycles of evolution. When viewed this way, it becomes important with respect to one’s health and wholeness to expand the lens in order to take in the largest possible view of the forces, both overt and covert, in a family’s dynamics. This is the approach of system dynamics; the taking in of all parts of a living organism, each seen as belonging to something greater, which has a knowing that may not be fully understood on the human level.

The idea of forgiveness implies that another has committed a wrong, that it is within my power to either give or withhold forgiveness, and that when I do forgive the relationship will be restored.  There is a subtle power dynamic within this paradigm; the presence of a gift which can be bestowed or kept, and an evaluation by the giver of the receiver’s worthiness. When there are wounds that conceal potential life-changing lessons- wounds which may have come early in life- it may not yet be possible to forgive even as a mature adult.  Therefore, something new and different is required to make a shift. Considering what our part is in the relationship, beyond the roles of victim and perpetrator, can help create a new perspective. Given the complex, multi-layered consciousness of the family soul, it may be difficult to understand from an individual’s point of view what imbalance in the larger family soul created the web of conditions in which an issue lies, or in what generation the constriction began.  Yet all members to some degree have a part in holding the imbalance, as well as in holding the resolution.

The healing in this work has come for me when I transcend the facts of the history on the mental level; drop into and through the fluidity of the emotional level; and with quiet awareness, experience the spaciousness of the soul level where it becomes clear that, even though something happened that caused me pain, I, like each member, made an agreement to join this family, to be born to these parents and siblings, in these conditions, and I had some part in these events.  It’s important to acknowledge that, on the level of personality I would never have chosen this, but from the level of the profound mystery which may never be understood, yes I agreed to this. This process of acceptance and agreement may take a long time, and it’s good to acknowledge that as well. When I’m able to give up the wish from my child’s consciousness that anything was different, I can be freed from the impossible task of changing what is settled reality. I can feel more strength because I’ve taken steps toward adult consciousness, toward accepting the terms of my place in life and in my family exactly as they are.  I feel that I’m no better or worse than anyone, that the playing field is level, and that I belong here. When I’m able to shift to this awareness, I can feel the foundations of peace on which life truly rests.