Our Relationships With Our Bodies

I had a milk allergy when I was born, and instead of gaining, I started losing weight in my first few weeks on Earth.  A pediatric doctor prescribed a hospital stay for a week in an oxygen tent.  That profound experience of isolation at such a young age formed what I came to know as a schizoid defense characterology in my energy field.  My pre-verbal consciousness decided that it was less safe here in the physical than in the realm of spirit from which I had just traveled.  My energy body probably stayed only loosely seated in my physical body so it could leave quickly to cope with the time in the oxygen tent where I was deprived of touch and emotional contact with anyone.  I’m thankful for the four years of study and healing I received through the Barbara Brennan School that helped me overcome the limitations of the schizoid defense and become more of who I truly am. 

One benefit of living with schizoid defense is that, living with your awareness in your head so much with your consciousness floating above, you move through the world more lightly and your body takes less wear and tear. I was a skinny kid, and I remember my Italian grandparents always insisting that I eat more. This is the natural insistence of any Italian grandma, but there were always extra remarks on the side about how I needed to put on weight.  I loved those weekly dinners and the food was always delicious, and I never left hungry.  It was enough concern for my parents though that they bought me a barbell, dumbbells, set of weights and a bench- all from Sears- for my big Christmas present one year.  None of them were things I asked for or wanted. 

Perhaps because of the lack of calcium so young, my legs had a slight malformation and when I was around the age of three another doctor suggested I wear braces to straighten my lower legs. I have no memory of wearing them, of my parents putting them on me or if I slept with them on.  I’ve just seen myself with them strapped on my legs in a few photos.  I do have a clear memory of the many times years later when we walked up the steps to go into church, my sisters and I ahead of our parents, and my mom making no effort to lower her voice when she said to my dad, the same way every time, ‘look how his left foot still turns in.’  I always felt self-conscious, a little confused about why I had failed to come out right, and also guilty that the money spent for my cure had been for nothing. Oddly, in high school I was required to play two sports and after crashing out of junior varsity soccer because I had never played before, I fell all the way to the cross country team which was the last resort for many of us.  It turned out I had a talent for it, was awarded most improved runner in my first year after making varsity by end of the season, and was #3 runner on the team my junior and senior years.  I also loved the mile and two mile in spring track. Whatever those braces failed to accomplish, their deficiency didn’t affect my love of long-distance running.

My hairline started to recede by the second year of my college engineering studies due to the high stress levels I experienced in the program (I was only one of many of my fraternity brothers who experienced this), as well as what I inherited follicularly from my male lineage.  If you’re concerned, more than half of us will experience significant hair loss throughout the lifetime.  I have kyphosis, a slight extra curvature of the upper back which tips my head forward.  These are just some of the things I know about my body, but they aren’t all the things I know.  What are some of the thoughts and feelings you carry about your body image?  What would it be like to face them, share them with vulnerability and begin to come to peace with them?  Sometimes the energy we use to keep something covered is just what we need to move us forward along the path to our longing.  That energy can be redirected and create real connection that can replace familiar, cramped positions of fear and inadequacy.

“Friendship with your body should be based not on comparison, but on something more solitary.  Friendship with others should be based on need and generosity, not dominance.” -Padraig O’Tuama