Before Kelly and I were married, we spent some time considering what we were going to give up in order to make the commitment to be life partners.  This reflection was inspired by our training in Family Constellations, and our teachers Peter and Jamy Faust who reminded us that whenever we want to move into another stage of life, there will be great benefits but also a price to pay in what we would need to let go. Doing this exercise began to help us understand the deeper, spiritual purpose of marriage.

The root of the word ‘sacrifice’ is, of course, “sacred”, and the short definition is “to make sacred.”  I have to admit that, even being raised as a Christian and Catholic, I was surprised to see the primary definition in various online dictionaries for ‘sacrifice’ related to the slaughter of animals or humans.  For myself, there is a deep imprint of bible stories with knives raised over animals and children on stone altars, but I have developed more personally meaningful associations with the word.  Still, I can’t imagine visions of guts and blood supporting a compelling advocacy of one of the most important experiences one can have in life.  Yet it’s important to consider this element of marriage more deeply.

Kelly and I had both had significant periods of life where we were unmarried and free to create our lives the way we wanted.  We pursued educational opportunities, lengthy travel experiences, lived with roommates or alone, as we chose, and launched and developed career changes as we were inspired.  We both wished to continue living deeply rewarding, exciting, purposeful lives after being married, but we had to consider how our partnership would impact our choices to do exactly what we wanted, how and when we wanted to do it.  We had serious, sometimes hard conversations about where to live, what we wanted to create individually and together, when we would have children, and other important issues – and we continue to do so.

Through sometimes very hard work, we’ve come to appreciate more how essential it is to be fully honest about what we each want, while simultaneously holding our love and respect for each other in the marriage as most precious of all.  This is not easy, to say the least.  Our human tendencies when in conflict often default to reactionary echoes of past wounds and the barely conscious ways we recorded the memories of how our parents created their relationship.  By continuing as best we’re able, to hold our marriage as the higher goal, it becomes a practice that teaches us deeper virtues of trust, full communication, respect and patience.  These are things that we want to cultivate anyway, but we sometimes imagine it might be better to do so without the inconvenient feelings partnership often evokes.  

Another powerful thing we are learning through this practice is to trust the mystery of the spiritual purpose that brought us together and keeps us in the crucible of the process.  Holding this awareness reminds us that we are only in charge of some levels of our lives, and that by allowing time and space for the unfolding of certain questions, we sometime come to resolutions and outcomes we had not imagined.  We are learning to trust more that there are unconscious reasons we chose each other to represent the Beloved for our delight, our growth and our learning.  The riches of this knowing are the reward for giving up the less mature satisfactions of doing all the things we want, just how we want to do them.

[Originally published August 11, 2015]

In the work of Family Constellations Kelly and I often meet people who have, consciously or unconsciously, rejected some quality, tradition, or event from their family’s or their ancestors’ lives. It is a natural human tendency to choose what we find pleasant, acceptable, healthy and agreeable, and to push away what we (or society, or any group with which we identify) consider wrong or bad. When we do this at a young age it is usually a necessary part of our individuation, and even sometimes required for our physical or emotional survival. 

The hard work of Family Constellations often lies in seeing, accepting, and coming to peace with all the parts of our family. By rejecting any part of the lives of our parents or ancestors, we may also cut ourselves off from the life force that came to us with our incarnation. This does not mean we condone crimes, injustice or abuse if they occurred. Instead, it gives us an opportunity to see more of the system in which a person lived, to begin to have compassion for what they carried in their heart and soul, and to have the strength to say, “My soul chose to incarnate into this family. There are lessons for me to learn from this which may bring me a better understanding of virtues like patience and humility, which can open my heart. I thank my parents and ancestors for my life and accept all that came with it. I honor the fate their souls chose, and I leave it with them. I will choose the way that is best for me.” This begins the healing work of reconnection to the source of the Divine. It is only by continuing to do this work with ourselves and our families that Kelly and I can begin to guide others to do the same.

Imagine if you find in your adult years that your grandfather was a universally condemned Nazi commandant, featured in the movie Schindler’s list. This is what happened to Jennifer Teege, who has written a memoir about this discovery. I haven’t read it, but I plan to, and I also plan to hear her speak on Wednesday April 22^nd at 7:15pm at the Decatur Public Library. She is currently promoting her book, “My Grandfather Would Have Shot Me,” and information on all of the cities in which she is appearing is found here:

http://theexperimentpublishing.com/2015/03/us-tour-announcement-jennifer-teege-author-of-my-grandfather-would-have-shot-me/

May we all learn to recognize the places we have judged and separated from particular aspects of our families, and may we come to resolution with all parts of the lives we have chosen to inherit. As we come to more peace, we can each contribute to the healing of the soul field of humanity.

[Originally published April 17th, 2015]

“Let no one… persuade you to cure the head, until he has first given you his soul to be cured by the charm. For this is the great error of our day in the treatment of the human body, that physicians separate the soul from the body.” -The Dialogues of Plato: Charmides

     One of the higher perspectives on illness or dis-ease holds that any disturbance in physical, emotional or spiritual health brings a gift of awareness hidden within it. For example, a fall that leads to a sprained wrist may lead to a sudden change in a person’s lifestyle and a slowing down of activities. Sometimes such an unexpected yet necessary reassessment of priorities reminds us of the value of space and reflection in our lives, and of the benefit from filling our soul with what it needs, rather than filling our calendar with appointments.


     Medical intuitive Carolyn Myss has said, “Illness can develop as a consequence of behavioral patterns and attitudes that we do not realize are biologically toxic until they have already become so.” Emotions that are held unexpressed, or emotions that move in habitual unbalanced ways may eventually lead to physical illness that shows up in a related organ or part of the body. Anger as a reflexive response may lead to diseases of the liver, stomach or spleen, whereas ongoing anxiety and stress which cause one to chronically hold their breath may result in issues in the lungs. These signs of illness may be signals that lead a person to evaluate how they create relationships, how they satisfy their needs for creativity and a purposeful life, what resentments they may be carrying that need to be released, and to what unconscious responsibilities they are being loyal.

     As symptoms of illness can work to signal to something that lies deeper within an individual, so do they serve a purpose in an organization, a group, a nation or a family. When there is an imbalance in the natural orders which serve the flow of love and respect for all members in a family, the fullest measure of well-being that might be present will be restricted. This is one of the most powerful principles of Family Constellations: to see every person not in isolation, but holistically, as part of a larger group, and inextricably woven into the pattern of a family soul. What we have seen many times in this work, both for ourselves and with clients, is how the unconscious loyalty of a child will guide him or her to want to restore balance and love in the family, whether or not they are capable or responsible for doing so.

     To give one example: a girl dies in a childhood accident, and a surviving brother feels guilty for living on. The brother may keep himself small in life believing he is honoring the lost child, and may even unconsciously, out of blind love, feel it would have been better if he had died instead. After growing into adulthood it is logical that the family would have found ways to move on, and the loss would have been integrated as part of the past- yet the brother struggles to thrive. By giving the deceased child a respected place through a Constellation with representatives of the whole family, the brother can see that it is not his job alone to heal the wound, but the responsibility of the entire family together to grieve and remember the sister, and always give her a place in their hearts. It is then that the brother might learn that doing something good with his life is the best way to honor his dead sister.

     Until it is healed, the brother’s depression and failure to succeed will act as signals to the family system that something remains out of balance in the family soul. The disturbance may even act transgenerationally, with a descendant representing a family member who suffered a difficult fate in a previous generation that they never even knew. Each family grieves loss and trauma the best they can with the resources available; there is no right way. Family Constellations gives us the opportunity to consciously acknowledge, accept, and even agree to all the threads of our family soul in order to heal what remains in out of good order.

     At the soul level, the Ebola virus may be acting as a signal to all humanity that something remains in disorder. Perhaps we need to learn that there is enough available to satisfy all of our needs, and we haven’t yet learned to make it the highest priority to share what we have with those who have less. In our beginner-level studies of the Jewish mystical tradition of Kabbalah, we have learned that there is a blessing in everything, and we can’t know the divine from the limited level of our human consciousness. It’s very hard to think of Ebola holding a blessing for the friends I met in West Africa. It’s a horrible affliction and one that creates fear as there is no cure. Treatment resources are extremely limited where it is having the biggest impact. I hope that one of the blessings possible from the outbreak of the virus comes from all of humanity being brought together to learn again that we are all similar as human beings; that we all need good food, clean water, and healthy environments in which to raise children; that we all carry deep soul memories of being both victims and perpetrators; and that by taking these threads of consciousness into our hearts we can transcend the limits of vengeance and justice and bring the cycles of interpersonal, intertribal, and international violence to an end.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. -Martin Luther King Jr.

[originally published October 16th, 2014]

In the practice of Family Constellations, the levels of consciousness that are navigated in order to reach the deep healing possible at the soul level are:

Acknowledgement

Acceptance

and Agreement.

We start at the mental level, with what we know: what has happened, and with whom.  This is the beginning level of Acknowledgement.  Stating and facing what is true allows for deeper connection to the body and the emotional level.  It allows us to feel the strength that resides in truth.  For some people who have defended against a painful experience they’ve had, this movement may be enough for healing to begin.  Acknowledgement takes place at the mental level, and may be enough to lead to the next stage.

By dropping to the emotional level, a new space may be created to release what has been stuck in the energy field.  One may now be able move into the more fluid level of Acceptance, which will let us begin restoring to ourselves the vital life force energy we’ve invested in resistance.   Reaching acceptance doesn’t condone any harm that was done; the responsibility for that is left with the perpetrator.  However, it can allow us to begin releasing something that has been familiar but unconscious: the child’s wish that things had been different.  Letting go of that wish helps us move into more adult strength and understanding, which leads to more compassion for ourselves and others.

Beyond the emotional level, there is still another experience where deeper healing is available.  This is where the Soul Agreements are found.  We may be able to take adult responsibility for having taken a place in the family, and for the relationships we have or had with each member.  Although it’s a mystery, there were lessons our soul wished for us to study for our individual evolution- to learn patience, kindness, generosity or other qualities.  Perhaps we came to balance a karmic debt.  This level is usually wordless.  When you’re ready, the experience may be one of stillness and peace, and an understanding that surpasses the knowing of the mind.  

By looking at this material with the guidance and support of an experienced facilitator, you may be able to see that it’s out of a child’s pure, innocent love you’ve wanted to fix something that’s not your responsibility, and is impossible to change anyway. This sacred practice can help you come to more understanding and more compassion for what your ancestors lived with and struggled through while still having enough strength to pass life on to another generation and ultimately to you.

Respect for the one who had a place

In the practice of Family Constellations, there is a simple teaching about honoring our former spouses.  Rather than use the term “ex-wife” or “ex-husband,” we say “first wife” or “second husband.”  It’s more respectful, and it acknowledges the truth; that this person for a time had an essential place in our lives before the relationship ended.

If we have married again, there’s another way it’s important to honor the previous spouse. Without their leaving, there would not be a space for the one to whom we are committed now. The former spouse left a space for someone new.

This conscious change in language reminds us how important it is to recognize the essential role our previous spouse played in the growth of our own soul.  It was difficult for them, as well, to go through the pain and disappointment of separation and divorce.  They held a place for us to learn more about ourselves. They created opportunities for us to make new and different choices.  It also helps us accept and take responsibility for the part we played in starting, building, and ending the relationship.  This is especially important when there are children from the marriage, as it models more respectful and mature behavior for them.

If you were in a long or meaningful relationship but not married, you might say “former partner” or “former girlfriend,” rather than using “ex-.” This helps to avoid any subconscious wish to erase the experience of having been in intimate relationship with the person, and potentially miss the growth and learning your soul aimed you toward.

If you feel resistance to this change in terms, it might be a sign that you haven’t come to peace with that person and all the things that happened. You might risk carrying that wound and the defenses that grew around it into another relationship, and limit how freely you’re able to accept and love another partner.

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