Kelly and I spent a beautiful day at the the Decatur Book Festival a few weeks ago. In addition to seeing an old friend, Ginnie Sams, a former member of The Emerson Drummers who was helping out at her sister’s booth, we attended Pat Conroy’s keynote talk at the First Baptist Church of Decatur. Pat Conroy is a hugely successful author who’s had two novels, The Prince of Tides and The Great Santini, made into Oscar-nominated movies. Moderating was Pat Conroy’s agent, Marly Rusoff, who was introduced by the founder of the DBF as “one of the most important names in American letters, although you probably haven’t heard of her.” Joining them was another writer, Jonathan Odell, who is also represented by Ms. Rusoff. Each writer took turns sharing their experiences with their difficult families, and what it’s been like for them to write honestly about surviving abuse and dysfunction in their families while growing up.
They shared numerous anecdotes about their challenges and fears when facing their families’ reactions to what they had written. Jonathan Odell told about his father’s cautioning him not to give the book to his mother, because she would have to go back into shock treatment if she read it. Jonathan, it turns out, didn’t need to worry because his mother did not recognize herself in the book at all, and even wished she could have been the mother in the story.
Pat Conroy shared that his long estranged daughter had recently invited him to dinner, and asked him not to allow the writing of two biographies which are being created about him currently because it was so painful to her. She also shared that her therapist had told her not to have any contact with him because it would be too toxic. Mr. Conroy assured her that he could not put anything before the needs of the expression of his art, and that the biographies would indeed proceed.
While many in the audience laughed at the authors’ stories, Kelly and I looked at each other with a different understanding. It was clear to us that much of the pain in the family soul has not been resolved for these men or their closest relatives. For anyone who experiences an environment of abuse, disconnection, dishonesty or lack of nurturing in the family, it can be a lifelong task to overcome an identity of victimhood and a variety of defenses against the pain. It’s hard work to soften the heart, yet it’s one way to create peace within one’s self. It’s been surprising to me as I researched Pat Conroy’s life to see that he has experienced some reconciliation with his father, and I wonder why he didn’t share more of that in his talk.
Setting up a family of origin Constellation and just looking at the dynamics of the family system can be a first step to opening our awareness to the depth below the mind, and what we know of our story. It provides more of the hologram of who we are: not an isolated individual, but a soul that has chosen to be born to a specific set of parents, at a certain place, in certain conditions at a particular time- just as our parents and siblings made their choices. By looking, we can open the door to the feelings that we’ve been protected from by our ego resistance.
With time and practice, in the respectful environment of a constellation, it’s possible to move past the resistance and move to the deepest level of understanding. When we allow ourselves to feel the soul agreements we’ve made with our family members, we can move to a profoundly spacious and quiet experience of peace and stillness, where the deepest healing can take place. We can begin to replace the no longer helpful inner image we hold of our place in our family with a new picture that allows our soul to feel liberation and compassion.
[Originally published October 1, 2015]
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