Loyalty is one of the themes explored in the work of Family Constellations, and more specifically the energies of hidden or unconscious loyalty. In the adult world loyalties are easy to see in reference to one’s nation, ethnic group, religion, family, political affiliation and sports teams, among others. Loyalty is one aspect of belonging to a group, and it can also be a measure of the intensity of belonging. Different groups require and even demand various proofs of loyalty. A powerful exercise you might consider is to make a list of all the groups to which you belong. Think about the intensity of the loyalty you have to each, and under what conditions your loyalty may change or be tested. It’s impossible to be loyal to all of them equally and at the same time.
When a child is conceived and newly incarnated, her spirit has just arrived in a body from the non-physical world of oneness. She is completely open and loves unconditionally, and she has agreed on the soul level to be born into a world of duality, at a certain time, into a certain family, under specific conditions at a specific place on Earth. She is helpless and dependent on, at first, the conditions in her mother’s womb, and after birth on her parents or primary caregiver for survival. Her openness allows her to absorb both the physical stimuli as well as the emotional energies of her environment. As she grows and becomes a more independent agent, testing the boundaries of her world, she will learn how going along with the family’s approach to life relates to belonging and survival, and how defying the family’s approach leads to various outcomes.
The invisible loyalties of the family in relation to belonging, career, marriage, money, friends and every aspect of life usually remain unexamined in her unconscious until adolescence and individuation. It’s during this stage of life that tension may arise between some of her movements toward her personal interests and what confers belonging in her family. As she matures into an adult it will bring strength to her character to practice fully owning and embodying the approaches to life which are right for her even though they conflict with her family’s ways. Knowing that she honors and respects the ways that were right for her parents’ lives will free her to make choices to create her own life, and still love her parents for all of who they are.
When two people marry they bring with them their own loyalties to how things were done in each of their families of origin with regard to finances, chores, child-raising and discipline, holidays and vacations, sex, fighting, food and many other things. When conflict arises and these loyalties remain unexamined there remains underneath an attitude that ‘my way is better’, which is really an unexpressed version of ‘my family is better.’ It can be helpful for a couple to consciously examine and share about each other’s loyalties, and know that when in conflict there are many more than just two people fighting for predominance- the ancestors are also having their say in the conversation.
What are ways some of your unexamined, invisible loyalties have created conflict in your life, and how have you navigated that conflict?
I found this compelling image while looking around on google images for something that reflects my feelings about this day. Symbols such as flags are receptacles for the feelings, values and images we choose to put into them. They are shorthand, representing something else that’s larger, something that it would take more time and effort to appreciate with fullness and depth.
As citizens of the US we value speed and efficiency, access and convenience. Generations younger than myself have grown up with the ease of sending messages to someone to whom they are electronically connected in a second. To read about and appreciate the history of a nation as complex, troubled and aspirational as the USA becomes more difficult as a thin, terrible cloud of unknowing in the form of tweets and electronic residue settles on the outer folds of our collective cerebrum.
On this day I make time and space to consider what the flag holds for the descendants of Cherokee who were forced to march thousands of miles away from their homelands by local and state militias in the 19th century, and what it holds for descendants of those militias and descendants of those that signed orders ‘justifying’ the actions.
I wonder what the flag holds for the descendants, now US citizens, of enslaved Africans who worked as forced laborers under continual threat of whipping, without pay for the benefit of others, on this day 242 years ago when the dominant culture celebrated the signing of a document declaring that all people have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, and what the flag holds for the thousands of descendants of slaveholding families who feel the shame of their family history and are taking steps to atone for that history.
I imagine what the Stars and Stripes holds for every family that has served in the US military in its centuries of actions defending the nation as well as its interventions in other nations’ conflicts and yes, its attacks on other nations. I especially think of the descendants of Vietnamese, Japanese, Syrian, Palestinian, Mexican, Guatemalan, Liberian, Sudanese, and dozens of other peoples whose ancestors, like my own, struggled to find ways to travel to the US for a life for their children that would better provide security and prosperity, compared to what they were experiencing in their own homelands.
I have hope that more US citizens will take the time to acknowledge and accept the full and complete history of the nation, to broaden their field of vision and contemplate everything that’s held in the soil over which they live and travel. May we come to see the perils in the convenience of simplicity, the expediency of surfaces, the delusion of electronic connectivity and the anxiety underlying unquestioned tribal loyalty. May we teach our children how to create brave space that includes all of humanity so they may recognize that often, it is the one we reflexively judge as ‘other’ that holds exactly what we need to carry us to the next step in our heart’s opening and our soul’s evolution.
[Artwork: “We the People,” 1971, by Wayne Eagleboy (Onondaga)]
A constellation can be a safe way to open a window into the deeper energies that make up the ongoing streams of your family’s story. Setting up and working through some of the layers of a constellation allows you to observe and explore, with trained guidance and from a little distance, some of the sticky and confusing threads in which you have been suspended in your family life since your soul agreed to incarnate into your unique circumstances here on Earth.
The word ‘constellation’ signifies that you are one of many members of a family system that is part of a much larger lineage of many generations. By expanding the lens and looking at more of the picture, you may come to see hidden connections that channel much larger forces that have been directing the system without your knowing. After working with hundreds of clients, we have seen in many cases that a simple historical fact like:
-my father has an older brother that died just a few weeks after birth;
-my grandfather died of a heart attack at age 45;
-my mother’s youngest sister was sent away to live with other family members because it would be safer for her;
-my grandmother’s family lost their business during the war;
is a seed that, when opened, contains enormous energies that affected the family at the time in profound ways, while the unresolved effects after many years have continued to have an impact under the surface of consciousness and remain hidden from the awareness of the current generation.
Because all elements of a system are connected and influence each other, a traumatic event in one generation of a family can ripple through the threads of the system and be felt by someone in a later generation. And unknowingly, a child- out of pure love and loyalty to its family- can agree on the soul level to act as a signal to the rest of the family that something remains ungrieved or out of place in a previous generation. By failing to thrive, or struggling with uncertainty, depression, addiction or a pattern of unhappy relationships in adult years for no good reason, that family member may unconsciously try to carry the burden that was due to another’s fate. It’s a very human trait, it’s done out of love, and it can be relieved and healed.
The power in a constellation comes from looking at what happened just as it is, without judgment, and bringing the facts out of darkness; coming to acceptance that this is the reality of the family and your place in it, and there’s no longer any need to wish it was different; and even deeper, eventually coming to an adult empowerment through the understanding that your soul agreed to be born into this family, with these circumstances. At each of these stages of healing there are opportunities to view what happened with other family members at other times with more compassion, and to turn back toward the difficult events with a little more openness and understanding. It can be a surprising result that through reconnecting with what you’ve been been running from, you can find more freedom. By allowing space for more of the pain, there is renewed capacity to take in more of the strength, the good, and the love. When you’re more able to take everything your parents left to you, you’ll be much more able to share everything you have with your children and all the generations to follow.
When you’re still and alone and let yourself listen inwardly, what is the first image that arises in association with the word: “money?” And the next, and the next…?
I was talking with a friend about the energies of finances, and he remembered his father sometimes expressing exasperation when comparing his level of success in the world to that of his brother. He would shake his head and say, in reference to the family he had created, “What is it with us?” When my friend spoke those words, I could feel the frustration, hopelessness, and resignation that he had felt come through him fully alive. The emotional charge on those words was still strong. He wondered if somewhere in his own consciousness, that energy was still with him.
For many of us, when we were children our fathers were our first models for going out from the protected space of the family system, and for interacting with the world. This is not to say that women do not go into the world to interact and provide for their families; it is an acknowledgement of a deep imprint in social consciousness. This imprint is being challenged and is changing. Still, it’s a good process to regularly reflect on the deepest attitudes around money which you inherited from your parents and your ancestors.
How did your parents talk about money? Who had more or less power to influence financial decisions? Who actually handled and managed money and made payments? Who brought money into the family? If one of your parents was considered primary caregiver for the children, was the labor that parent performed in the home valued equally with labor done out in the world? Were there clear agreements on priorities for spending, and were those agreements held in mutual satisfaction by both parents? Was there resentment of spending practices by one or both parents? Were there expenditures kept in secret? Were you asked to keep any secrets about money from one parent? Did you grow up in a single-parent home, and was there peace or tension about the financial relationship one parent had with the other?
Money is a form of energy which allows us to accomplish many things, and all of these questions have various degrees of influence on our own flows of prosperity and abundance. We also have our own lessons we came to this life to study and learn from, separate from what we inherited directly from our ancestors. Reflecting honestly on questions like these and writing out your answers is a good first step to uncovering what’s in your financial unconscious. To transform some of the imprinted beliefs you carry that you find detrimental, you can begin by setting up a very simple constellation with an object for yourself and one for money. Let the energy field that arises provide more insight. Add objects for any other people or values that you want to explore. This is not sorcery for bringing money to you, but a practice for coming to inner peace, acceptance and gratitude for the gift of your life, what you did receive from your lineage, and the freedom you have to make financial agreements and decisions that are best for you. May you find the best supports for discovering and manifesting the purpose that came to this life with you.
If you’re fortunate to have your parents still living into their 80s and 90s, you may hear them share about the challenge of having very few or possibly none of their family members and close friends still alive. My own parents at 92 and 95 are experiencing this. While they are still together and have each other, they feel the absence of family acutely. It reminds them they are closer to crossing over to the other dimension than they are to the fullness of this lifetime.
The ancestors have completed what they could in this physical life and are still with us, although they cannot act in this dimension. The things we do in life remind them of the life force they had. From my more than 30 years immersed in West African drumming, I’ve gained the sense that we drum, sing, dance and play for the ancestors as much as for ourselves, so they can feel what they enjoyed so much here through us. It’s also my sense that they gladly exchange any regrets they have about the past for the satisfaction of giving us the support and guidance we need, that brings us closer to fulfilling our own dreams in this life.
With the approach of Dia de los Muertos, All Souls Day, Samhain, All Saints Day, Halloween and other cultures’ ancestral honorings that co-occur around this time of year, I wanted to share an ancestor ritual that came to me recently. You’re welcome to use it as is, or modify it in the creative ways that best suit your needs and what you’re drawn to do at this time when the veil between the worlds becomes thin. You’ll need a good number of simple small candles, like tea lights, some sticky notes (or small slips of paper) and a pen.
Set up simple tea light candles in an arrangement that has one for you closest to you; your parents behind you (f behind right shoulder, m behind l). Include in your line your siblings in birth order, older to the left of you and younger to the right. Use small scraps of paper or sticky notes to name each one. (see photo)
Now include in each of your parents line their siblings with them, also with older to the left, and younger to the right.
In a line behind your parents, include candles for their parents- your grandparents. If you know them, include your grandparents siblings in the same birth order arrangement.
Light all the candles.
Take in how life passed from the generations behind your grandparents to them and their siblings, then to your parents and their siblings, and then to you and your siblings.
If you know the order, begin to extinguish the flames starting with whoever passed the earliest, whether it was your grandparents or one of their siblings or someone else. Say the name of each person in order to remember them, and honor them by saying something like ‘You’ll always be part of us.’ Notice how the smoke lingers for a time after the flame has gone out, and sometimes the wick stays orange before going black. This reminds you that their presence remains for some time after the body’s death.
Continue to do this until all the dead have been honored, and then take in the smaller number of flames still lit. Consider healing and honoring statements to the dead like “you have had your time, and now you have gone. It was your fate to die when you did. It is my fate to live on longer, and then one day it will be my time also. I will do something good with my life to honor you.”
Be creative and include more family members as you are called. Create the healing statements that arise for you in the moment. Hold an overall posture of respect and humility for the greater forces and fates that call each person to life, and also to death at the time it occurs for them.
My sun sign is in Cancer, which has given me a sensitive attunement to the energies of family and community. In this lifetime, the positive expression of group cohesion, creative expression and service to a community first budded for me when I began playing music in rock and roll bands in Detroit. Those things bloomed in a much fuller way when the music of West African drumming found me in the spring of 1992 at a dance class with the Uhuru Dancers in Decatur, Georgia. The exchange of joy and celebration between drummers and dancers set my life on a completely new and energized path that I still walk today. It wasn’t until later, when I began to study the drumming in depth, that I learned how to be informed by the ancestral lineage through which the music, culture and history passes over centuries. Thank you Brother Yusef, Stone Montgomery, Mohamed Diaby, and dozens of other teachers for including me.
I’m also aligned with the ideals of equality, freedom and opportunity in the declared principles of the U.S. Constitution, and understand the responsibilities we all have as citizens to hold those in power accountable to manifesting those ideals to the best of their abilities. It’s also a citizen’s responsibility to point out the failings of leaders when they fall short, and inspire them to contribute to a more perfect union. Being born on July 4th, the United States also has its sun sign in Cancer. The last few years of strife, turbulence and polarization in the country have been difficult for me to experience. The three weeks I spent in Guinea in December were a great escape from the tension, and also an antidote to the almost impossible fragmentation I experience currently in the U.S. The strong personal sense of solidity and grounding I experience in Guinea seems to come from the deep roots of history, culture and lineage everyone there shares. The people seem to know who they are and who everyone else is, and they can trust that they share something profound with everyone they meet.
In the U.S., unless you are indigenous, you come from somewhere else. You come from another land with a different vibration, a different history, and with the bones of many generations of your ancestors in the ground. At some point, those ancestors were forced to come to this foreign land through slavery, or your ancestors chose to come here across waters or through the air on long journeys, leaving centuries of family connections behind. They pulled up deep roots to begin the difficult task of transplanting and taking hold in faraway soil, in a different climate, surrounded by strangely new living things, among different norms, customs and values. If you are indigenous, it’s likely some of your ancestors were slaughtered by European colonizers and U.S. military members, and the survivors forced from their ancestral lands to live isolated from their roots in undesirable locations, ill-equipped to thrive. This is the literal ground of unresolved injustice on which we all now walk, which holds the hidden dynamics that hinder real trust and rooting among the diverse people of the U.S.
My practice of ancestral meditation has helped me to feel more secure in knowing who I am, and has increased my respect for the variety of backgrounds in every other person’s lineage. Each morning after silent meditation, I invoke the presence of my family of origin- my parents and siblings- and say their full names. For the women I include the names of other families they have joined through marriage, as this is the custom in the U.S. Next, behind my parents I presence their parents, call their full names, and invoke their homelands of Italy and Germany, feeling the memory of knowing them when they were alive. Behind the grandparents, I presence and call the names of my 8 great-grandparents, none of which I knew in life. Finally, I presence the 16 great-great-grandparents, whose names I have not yet found through confirmed research. I begin to let myself feel the fullness of all the lives that were lived and joined to create me, and all the experiences which contributed to the strength they needed to sustain their own life and marriage while giving birth to and raising new generations. I bow my head to all those that came before me.
Finally, I bring the full array of ancestors behind me, and feel their energies come into me through my shoulders; my father’s ancestors behind my right shoulder, and my mother’s behind my left. I feel the source of divine energy at the very beginning of the lineage. I take in the ancestors’ support and guidance, and let myself know that they’ll be with me all through the day as I meet, talk to, make music and work with others. It reminds me as well that everyone I encounter on this day will also have ancestors arrayed behind them- ancestors who contributed to their sense of who they are in life. When my hologram meets their hologram, I don’t feel alone, and there is more chance we will connect with trust, wholeness and peace.
I’ve just returned from a three-week trip to Guinea, West Africa with one of my teachers and good friends, Mohamed DaCosta. Mohamed got married over what was Christmas holiday weekend for Christians, although it’s not much celebrated in Guinea as it’s predominantly a Muslim country. There were three days of ceremonies, gatherings and celebrations for the wedding, with all the family members very involved in the planning and preparations. I was able to attend most of the events with some other American friends who were on the trip, and we were always given prime seating at the very front of each gathering.
There was a party called a sabar that was just for the women; there was a religious ceremony in the bride’s family courtyard; there was a short legal ceremony with a lot of humor in a really hot government hall; and there was an enormous traditional ceremony in a big park with hundreds of people, lots of food, a band and a famous praise-singer. It was all exciting, colorful, and joyous.
During the religious ceremony there were praise singers, drummers, and a DJ all performing. There was a period of time when Mohamed and Aida sat on a big plush couch and family members and friends took turns coming to them with blessings and good wishes. We ‘fotes’ (whites) were seated in a prominent place just behind the couch with other family members. As unusual as all these raucous energies were for my expectations of a wedding, there was a moment that reminded me of the universal experience in every culture of life being passed on. One of Aida’s grandmothers came to the couch and stood in front of Aida, and without a word, pressed her hands together in front of her heart and smiled, then took Aida’s hands. Aida started to cry, and I could feel the flow of the ancestors coming through this beautiful elderly lady and blessing Aida and the marriage, and the children they hoped would come from it. It was as if Grandmother was saying, “I understand. I sat once where you’re sitting. You’re at the beginning of this road, and I’m near the end, and I see you. I’ll be with you. I’m close to those on the other side, and I feel them smiling and sending their blessings through me to you. May you be happy.”
The moment reminded me of the fleeting experiences that sometimes arise in constellations when a person glimpses the soul agreements they’ve made to be in a particular relationship, and to be born into a group of souls that forms a family. There’s a stillness and expansive space that opens up, and a sense of peace to be able to come to acceptance with the particular ways life has moved through the ancestors and come to us. It’s like stepping into a deep, fast-moving river and knowing that even though the current is strong, it’s just the place one can best stand with confidence and clarity. I felt honored to be so close to this sacred moment that Aida shared with her grandmother.
In early October I attended the North American Systemic Constellations Conference in Virginia Beach, VA, USA. About 200 facilitators, students and trainers of this healing method, along with many interested newcomers participated in the four-day conference. I traveled with my good friend Lea Gerlach who has been a part of our Constellations community in Atlanta for several years. I shared responsibilities with Rani George, a facilitator from Washington D.C., for creating the opening and closing ceremonies and holding sacred space for the gathering. I also presented a workshop called “How Polyrhythmic Drumming Supports a Facilitator’s Multi-Dimensional Awareness” which was very well received (and attended by my teacher Peter Faust, which was slightly intimidating. Fortunately Peter gave me praise and very positive feedback afterwards, which was extremely rewarding!)
I attended numerous workshops during the conference, and the one presented by Lisa Iversen was particularly powerful. Our friend Suzanne Jeffers first invited Lisa to come from her home in Bellingham, WA to Atlanta to present Constellations seminars in 2005, and she has made numerous trips to our city since then. In the fall of 2011, after our first year of training with the Fausts, Kelly and I attended several of Lisa’s sessions around the Atlanta area and participated in some of our first constellations dealing with slavery as a central theme.
Lisa’s workshop at NASC was entitled “Loving ‘What Is’ in America’s Ancestral Blueprints.” Along with a variety of exercises, Lisa facilitated a large blind constellation. Each of the 25 or so participants was invited to take a piece of paper with a large numeral written on one side, and something very small written on the opposite side we were not to look at. Lisa then invited us to walk slowly around the large open space and feel into where each piece of paper might belong, and when we found a resonant spot we were to leave the paper on the floor there with the number side up. I remember feeling like I was dousing for water, and when I walked near the ‘right place’ my arms were tugged downwards and I left the paper there. Eventually everyone placed their numbers.
In the next phase we were invited to slowly walk among all the numbers, exploring what it felt like to stand near and even on top of them. We intuitively moved through the room trying out any numbers toward which we were called. Some people quickly found numbers they were drawn to, and some kept moving for quite a while. I found the best feeling at #24; when I stood on it without shoes, my feet felt like they were on a very soft, thick towel. I tried a few others but none felt as good as 24. It turned out Suzanne was also drawn to 24, and we playfully competed to get a foot on it. Finally everyone came to a stop on or near one number. There were a couple of pairs of numbers near each other, and even one cluster that had the numbers 25, 26 and 27 all together.
Now Lisa asked for each participant, one at a time, to turn over their number and say what was written on the other side, as well as their emotional response to it. This being the North American Constellations conference, the elements were things like “Canada”, “USA”, “Mexico”, “Father”, “Mother”, “Gender”, “Nature”, “Home Country”, etc. Amazingly, the three clustered together were “Slaveholder”, “Enslaved”, and “Colonized”, and a woman with Irish ancestry stood sadly among them. When it came to our turn, Suzanne revealed #24 to be “Debt.” I was shocked. Why was I drawn so strongly to this energy, and why did it feel so comfortable? I felt repulsion from my images of shame, diminishment and burdening that I associated with debt.
My first thoughts went to financial debt, and the fact that after our next house payment our mortgage would be paid off and we would own our home outright. (Just a few days ago I posted a photo of our house on Facebook with the caption “Paid for,” as I wanted to celebrate this accomplishment. The photo already has over 300 ‘Likes’, more than anything I can remember sharing before. Something about being free of debt has really resonated with people!) Also, I owe nothing else financially, and except for Kelly’s college debt from her PhD studies, we not only have zero debt but are well on our way to saving for what we hope is a decent retirement. Was this why standing on “Debt” felt so good to my feet?
I know my father passed on to his children his aversion to holding any debt, and has been a strong advocate for saving as much as possible. While growing up I judged him as stingy and self-denying, as well as withholding from the family. I have come to accept that while he behaves this way even in his retirement years (he still changes the oil in his cars himself and refuses to hire anyone to do anything he can do- even risky jobs on ladders) he is both remaining loyal to the way his immigrant father lived, and providing more security for himself and my mother through savings. And, I know I can make the choices around money that are right for me.
Upon more reflection in the workshop, I came to sense my relationship with a larger perspective on debt. Through the years of training and experience I’ve had with Family Constellations, I’ve learned to value those who came before me and to come to peace with and be grateful for all the experiences, struggles and successes my ancestors lived through and passed on to me. I acknowledge that I will always stand in debt for my life to those through whom my life comes to me. I first experienced the benefits of honoring lineage from my West African music teachers, who respect all their teachers who have passed on the traditional music of their ethnic group through an oral tradition, person-to-person, breath-to-breath, spirit-to-spirit. I have tried my best to honor the same tradition in the ways I pass on the music to my students, never claiming it to be my own, and bringing through for them all the joy it has brought to my life.
In the last few years, I’ve come to acknowledge the privileges I’ve had in the society of the U.S.A. because I’m recognized in a primary way as belonging to the dominant, rule-making and rule-enforcing, majority group of white people, and I’m beginning to do more to raise my own as well as others’ awareness of the oppression and injustice that are experienced by minorities who are not able to enjoy many of the same privileges I have due to the color of their skin. I owe some of the ease of my life to my own skin color, and if I am going to live as a US citizen it’s more than ever my responsibility to help uphold the ideals of the Constitution that remind us to among other things “form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, [and] insure domestic Tranquility.”
What is your relationship to debt? Who came before you so that life could be passed on, and as Francesca Mason Boring says, “so the blood could live on in the descendants”? Are you in a good relationship to what you owe- not just in a financial sense, but for your very existence? Who are the teachers that dedicated themselves to your abilities to find a good place in life, and how do you remember them? Do you hold as a primary part of your identity your larger family system, or do you feel yourself more as an individual in life? In my experience, the more resentment I have cleared from my memories for anything that happened in my life, the more I’ve been able to feel the strength of my ancestors supporting me in what I’ve come to this life to create, and the greater is the sense of family to which I know I belong. I feel more prominently the bridge my ancestral lineage makes for me through all those who have come before me, going all the way back to the divine source of life.
To be a U.S. citizen requires critical thinking and a grasp of history. To explore the turbulence in our society demands multi-dimensional awareness of many cultural threads: religion, immigration, politics, and power among many others. Family Constellations can provide a particular lens that can help you look deeper into conflict: belonging. Who defines belonging, who confers it, and who feels it are essential questions to consider in any conflict.
In looking through some resources in preparing to write this essay I found some notes I made in August of 2016 when I was first struck by Colin Kaepernick’s protests against what he perceived as unequal treatment of minorities in the US by police forces. I made a list of the many groups I speculated he might consider he belonged to, including the NFL, the USA, his birth and adopted families, his current team, etc. I didn’t get much farther than that, but I was beginning to explore what might have been challenging for him in his decision to sit out the anthem, and what values may have given him support. All speculation, of course.
I don’t propose any answers, or intend to put forth my own positions on the current conversations, arguments and polarization happening in the US. (I’ve made plenty of comments on Facebook.) I think it’s good that justice, inequality, race and history are up in the national discussion, because they always should be made conscious. For now, I propose questions to inspire reflection:
Is it natural that someone who has experienced the death of a soldier in their family would feel an extra affinity for the flag and the anthem?
Does it make sense that an African-American would feel conflicted or repelled by the playing of an anthem that was written by a slave-holder and ardent anti-abolitionist?
Is it natural that an indigenous person whose ancestors lived on the land before any European colonists came would be conflicted about having U.S. citizenship? Would it be hard for them to feel loyalty to their ancestors if they allowed themself to feel like they belonged to the U.S.?
Is it natural that someone who trusted in the promise of the “American Dream” and worked hard to build a good life for themselves would be less open to hearing protests and complaints of inequality?
Does it make sense that a police officer with extensive training, dedication to a very stressful career, and an outstanding record of service to their community would be anguished over the ongoing attacks on their profession?
In the healing approach of Family Constellations, we look at who belongs, and who has been excluded, as clues to where an imbalance lies in an overall system. In each family, there is a stream of life force that has come through those who have gone before, and which has been passed on to new generations. All members of the family are intimately connected to that stream such that, when anyone is excluded, it creates a disorder that will need to be rebalanced by someone in the family- sometimes a member of a later generation that doesn’t even know about the original dispute. I’ve seen many times that love flows best when every family member honors the others as having a place, and when everyone keeps a good place in their heart for those who came before who have passed the life force on.
It’s clear there is great fragmentation and deep change coursing through the consciousness of the U.S. I invite you to sit with the questions above and even make up your own, to help you to stand in the shoes of someone with whom you feel in conflict.
The modern nation of United Arab Emirates, in which Dubai is located, is a federation of seven emirates formed in the 1950s on a roughly U-shaped stretch of land which has the Persian Gulf to the west, and the nation of Oman and the Gulf of Oman to the east. Much of the country is desert, although there were very unusual heavy thunderstorms there for several days when I arrived. The rains led to flooded roads as there are no stormwater runoff systems, and there were green shoots everywhere in the desert as rainfall is typically limited to brief episodes a few days each year.
UAE is a nation of great wealth due to the discovery of oil reserves in the middle of the 20th century. Under agreements with British oil companies, exploratory drilling began in 1950 with the hopes of replacing national revenue lost when the pearl industry collapsed. Exports of oil began in 1969, leading to increasing wealth and the eventual development of the modern global city of Dubai which now includes the world’s tallest building, the Burj Khalifa. The shiny glass skyscrapers and dozens of shopping malls were not nearly as interesting to me as were the narrow stone passageways in the zouk, or marketplace, where vendors aggressively promote their herbs, frankincense, fabrics and household goods.
Citizens of nations all over the world have come to Dubai for the economic opportunities, and most multinational companies have established offices there as well. The vast diversity of people is offset by the separation between the Emirati, or native people, and the immigrants and expatriates who have moved to UAE, who number seven times the natives. It was striking how peaceful I felt mixing with everyone on the streets, in the malls, on the beaches and everywhere I went, in contrast to the underlying sense of strain and division so strong currently in the US. To be fair, there are aggressive ways the government maintains the nation’s positive image, including in reports that people have been deported for sharing disparaging thoughts about government policies on social media.
The workshops were promoted and organized by my friend Juliette Winser, a classmate from the Barbara Brennan School of Healing. Juliette has lived in UAE for 27 years, having moved there from her native England. She has a healing practice in Dubai. The workshops were held at Just Be Holistic Center, a beautiful and very active space owned by an Algerian woman named Nabila Ouanes. Participants in the workshops included people from India, Lebanon, Venezuela, England, Phillipines, and a number of Arabic countries; many of the participants had also lived for significant parts of their lives in other countries. There were no native Emirati.
Topics brought to the workshops by participants included struggles to feel a place where one belongs; challenges to come to peace with siblings; illnesses, especially those originating after a sudden life change; addictions in the family lineage; raising a child with a serious illness; an unresolved division in the ancestral home/inheritance; unresolved intergenerational grief; a family member who had been excluded due to mental illness; alienation from the family. There was time for each participant to set up their own constellation, and for those who attended both days there was time to set up two constellations. As is often the case, spirit guided who was chosen to represent each family member in such a way that often a person was touched so deeply by their representation that they were opened to their own issue, and were ready to work next.
There’s something powerful about multi-day ancestral work in a group that creates deep trust and intimacy, allowing for access to levels that are normally far below the mental and emotional realms. Numerous people shared their amazement at how they were able to gain insight and liberation from issues on which they had been working for many years. The holographic nature of a constellation kept us all mindful that however unique and painful the stuck place, we all share the essential experience in life of coming from a family. The power of the Knowing Field arose each time, as each participant brought the inner image they carry of their family into the three-dimensional space in the center for exploration and deeper understanding. For a diverse group from many faraway homelands to be able to access this universal soul field shows the eternal and necessary qualities of the ancestral dimension, and the power of the Family Constellations method to be effective for healing. I’m grateful to my teachers, Peter and Jamy Faust, and to Bert Hellinger who brought forward this method, and I’m grateful to have the opportunity to share this work with the world.
