On April 18th I’ll celebrate the 25th anniversary of the first time I experienced a West African drumming ensemble. It was a Saturday morning dance class with the Uhuru Drummers at Ebster Community Center in Decatur, Georgia- the town in which I have now come to live!
Included among the drummers that day was Brother Yusef Crowder, the man who was my first teacher, who taught me how to carve the djembe, and who profoundly influenced my life through his teaching, his gentle inclusiveness, and his humble Muslim faith.
That first day with the drums and the rows of dancers was intense, energizing and expansive. I can still feel the sense of being pulled into a roaring ocean, and then under an enormous wave as I walked across Trinity Street from where I parked and entered the old gym.
Once I made it to the stage- knowing no one there- I stood very respectfully behind the line of drummers and played a steady pulse on the tambourine or cowbell I brought to the party- when I felt I was able to find and support that pulse!
After 25 years of study and practice, and after leading hundreds of classes, drum circles and performances, my relationship to the music is completely different. If our cells are replaced in regular timings to give us new bodies, then the drumming has helped make me a completely new person from the inside out.
Instead of bewildered frenzy, I now feel a sense of inner calm and centeredness while in the midst of a drumming ensemble. Although many rhythm phrases are being played all around me, I’m not focusing on just my own, or anyone else’s in particular for a sense of security or stability.
There’s an energized sense of quiet that flows upward like a fountain and gives me energy from the earth. I don’t focus my inner attention in any one direction, and I soften my outer focus in order to be able to take in a much wider picture of the whole.
I use my entire body as a sensing board which feels each particular rhythm as well as the central pulsating core. I also understand that, the more relaxed and open are the drummers, the more the invisible rhythm from the ancestral realm is able to flow across the dimensions and come through the hands of the players.
The less I’m thinking about anything, the more I’m hearing what’s happening in the immediate moment in the physical world as well as feeling the deep, ancient song that’s come through the hands and drums of all those in my teaching lineage.
At the best moments, I’m hearing, feeling and sensing the full expression of the ensemble as a melody of cascading movements and feeling my part in it simultaneously.
Through the healing method of Family Constellations I’ve come to appreciate how my soul is a drop of water in the wave of my family, which is one of billions of waves in the ocean of life, and we’re all alike in the eternal flowing of the water.
From my experiences training in Peter and Jamy Faust’s Constellation Approach, I’ve formed a new sense of my place in my family that echoes my experiences with West African drumming. I’ve come to understand that in order to come to peace with all my family members and experiences, I need to release my focus on myself and be able to hear all the parts of my family’s music simultaneously.
I’ve come to accept how my father stood in the space between the ways his Italian immigrant parents taught their children to survive, and his own dreams for his children to succeed in the open-ended, fluid society of the U.S. I’ve learned that those ways, however painful they were for me when I was young, came from his love for his family of origin as well as the new family he created.
I’ve come to accept how my mother was influenced by the sudden death of her father when she was 15, and how the shock of the changes in her life were never fully healed for her. I’ve come to understand how little healing support there was for some families in crisis in the 1940s and that the deep strands of self-reliance that are celebrated by many as paths to achievement are also damaging for others who need to grieve before they can thrive.
I’ve come to accept how my sisters have their own soul paths to follow in life and whereas we grew up together in the same environment, we each have our different destinies to pursue. By respecting their choices as their own without judgment I can have much better relationships with them.
Most importantly, by continuing to work through all the threads of consciousness my soul chose to inherit from my family and its lineage, I am better able to let go of any desires I once had that anything had been different. The deeper acceptance that comes from this practice creates a liberation that disentangles me from my family, allows me to have closer relationships with all of them, and gives me more energy to pursue my own dreams in life.
“The psychogenesis of the spirits of the dead seems to me to be more or less as follows. When a person dies, the feelings and emotions that bound his relatives to him lose their application to reality and sink into the unconscious, where they activate a collective content that has a deleterious effect on consciousness.” -Carl Jung, The Red Book Liber Novus
What might it be like for someone to die suddenly, through illness or accident, and not have an opportunity to say goodbye to parents, siblings, a spouse and children, and beloved friends? Nor to express their love and appreciation, and begin to come to peace with death? While the ability to communicate through present consciousness is ended through a tragic death, the emotional connections that join loved ones remain, are flooded with grief and continue to inform. The pain and loss may take years to be absorbed and integrated by the surviving members of the family system. Children are especially impacted as our energy fields are most open in our earliest years.
In the holographic nature of a family system, each person plays a unique role while both being a part of the system and simultaneously carrying the entire representation of the ancestral lineage. Each soul has unique life lessons and challenges only they can live through, while also being influenced by the collective inheritance of the unresolved memories of those who have gone before, from whom our lives have come. The healing possibilities of Family Constellations come not from changing anything that has happened to you or your ancestors, but in remembering, honoring and sharing the truth of the events and stories of the past- especially the difficult and painful ones which were unable to be completed by those who came before.
Just as the essence of who you are will be passed on and remembered by your children, nieces and nephews, and others, the memories of your ancestors and the significant events of their lives have been given to you through story-telling. The more fully and respectfully the stories are told, the more solid the emotional and psychic ground on which we can build our lives. Conversely, the less we know of the lives of our ancestors, through forgetting or avoidance, the more shaky the land on which we stand and the more susceptible a descendant becomes to picking up and carrying an emotional burden for which she is not responsible.
The word ‘entanglement’ is used to describe a symptom exhibited by a member of a family system to show the system that a shadow element needs acknowledgment for balance to be restored. A daughter may subtly sense the unexpressed grief her father carries due to the sudden death of his mother when he was very young, and out of genuine love and loyalty to her father and the family, the daughter takes on the role of the one who is to heal her father’s bitterness. Because the task is impossible, and because it’s not her place to lift the burden, the daughter may carry feelings of unworthiness in her life even though by all other measures she is healthy and successful. The daughter’s symptoms of depression and struggles to find her solid ground may indicate an unconscious self-sacrifice and pre-verbal internal belief “better I had been the one to suffer.”
Through a constellation it can be revealed that the father is the only one who can process and heal his grief, and the daughter can be liberated to live her own soul’s purpose. This liberation has the additional benefit of allowing even closer connections to a family and a lineage which may now provide strength and guidance rather than the drag of a weight on the soul. We encourage you to consider any relationships with which you are not at peace, and to compassionately explore the larger picture of what unresolved material from the past might still be influencing pertinent family members. May all families be reconciled.
One of the essential, inexplicable experiences in a Family Constellations group is that of being a representative for a family member. By being willing to be in service to someone else’s healing, you make yourself available in order for the presence of a key member of the family system to take its place in the whole. You also report on the impressions, sensations and emotions you experience in full consciousness while you stand for the family member. Because the process of a constellation is holographic, you may experience a kind of dual awareness as a representative that affects you, and which can provide insight into a challenging situation in your own family.
In the intake phase of a constellation the facilitator asks basic factual questions about the issue holder’s family history, in order to determine a starting point. The goal is to find a direction in which to look for the origin of the pattern or entanglement from which the issue holder would like to be freed. When enough information has been gathered, the facilitator suggests family members and phenomena (for example, a country of origin, a war, a disease, or an energy that seems central to the unresolved issue) that should be in the constellation.
When the key figures are decided, the issue holder asks other group members if they would be willing to be representatives. As each representative is chosen they stand at their place. Once all are standing, the issue holder collects herself, goes to each representative in any order and touches them lightly on the shoulder. She says the full name of who or what they are representing, and then guides them intuitively into the large open circle to place them wherever it feels they belong. Then she returns to her seat next to the facilitator.
At this point, representatives are given directions to relax, breathe, be open, and to know there’s nothing to do. In fact, the less one thinks or intends, the easier it is to be open and present. A reminder is given that each representative has agreed to be in service to the issue holder’s healing, and that they are also in service to their own family’s healing. Representatives are then invited to look at each other and simply take everyone in through the eyes. In these opening moments of the constellation the presence of the family soul is lightly settling among the representatives through what has come to be called The Knowing Field. This ineffable phenomenon contains the collective memory of all that has happened between the family members as well as in the ancestral dimensions. Because each representative has sincerely agreed to be in sacred service, this knowing field will inform them in a variety of ways about how the family member they’re representing felt about their place in the family in regards to what’s unresolved. The representative may be drawn with affection to another person in the constellation, feel anger or resentment toward another, or feel numb or indifferent toward someone else. It becomes the job of the facilitator to explore this web of relationships, attempt to find the origin of the disruption, and when possible, draw on their training and their own family experiences and healing in order to foster acceptance and resolution between family members where it had not been available previously.
The words ‘hale’, ‘healthy’, and ‘holy’ all come from a root word which originally referred to ‘wholeness’ or ‘soundness.’ I think of a musical instrument which is in its fullness of being, tuned and singing its note. All the parts of ourselves must be gathered together and harmonious for us to be in good health. Looking at, taking in and coming to acceptance of all of our family members and their experiences is a gateway to re-membering our family soul and our place in it. The ancient healing work of a constellation is holographic, as the roles of mother, father, grandparent, sibling, and others are universally understood by all of us. As a representative I have often been touched deeply by the family role I was holding for another, and have received a healing or an insight into a related dynamic within my own family. The experience of being a representative sometimes transports me to a very deep level, and allows me to temporarily connect to the universal soul experience of humanity. For these moments I am extremely grateful.
Consider for a moment the place that you live. If you own a house or townhome on some land, you either have a mortgage on which you pay regularly, or have fulfilled the payment agreements you originally made with a bank to pay your loan in full. You pay property taxes in exchange for receiving certain services. If you rent the apartment, condo or house where you currently reside, you had to make specific promises and agreements to acquire the rights to inhabit the space with caveats that you or the owner could decide to end the agreements under given conditions protected by legal foundations.
How would you feel if you had used the threat of force, or actual violence, to take the place of the previous occupants of the space in which you now live? What if they resisted, fought back, and with superior weapons you had injured some and killed others, then claimed ownership of your current living space without having agreed to make ongoing payments for the right to stay there, or made arrangements for the restitution and well-being of those you had abused, much less somewhere they consider desirable to live? How long would it take for you to feel secure and comfortable in your home? How long would you wait for retribution, either directly from the previous occupants or from law enforcement and the legal system of justice? Could you in good conscience ever relax and feel whole and healthy?
Although we never think of it consciously, it’s upon this system of taking by force that the original European settlers and those that are considered founding fathers, as well as those that came after and out of loyalty continued and extended the practices, have built a society and legal structure. It’s in the roots of all that we rely on and take for granted. Most of us currently feel free and empowered to move to another home, another city, or another state to create a better way of life. We have to give up something, in order to gain something new and more desirable- but it’s our choice. It’s part of the undefined allure of the American dream. Yet there were people living on this land who belonged to the Earth for many centuries before immigrants arrived, who had deep ancestral connections to the lands on which they lived, and who were forced to leave the homes they had known to move to new and foreign places. It wasn’t their choice. It contributed to a loss so deep that many of their descendants continue to live on in diminished ways, with poverty, addiction, suicide and unemployment everyday presences in their lives.
For me, the events that have been unfolding at the Standing Rock Reservation since the US Army Corps issued final permits for construction of the oil pipeline this past July are more unsettling and more important than the drama of the presidential election. The pain and loss of the original abuses upon which the US is built are not resolved. They may be pushed to remote corners of land, and pushed down to the deepest levels of the unconscious, yet they nevertheless remain for the descendants of both sides. May the strength and wisdom come for us to look at and acknowledge what’s been perpetrated, to accept what’s possible for healing, and to agree to live in good relationship with each other and with Mother Earth.
I became aware of the Fateful links between me and my ancestors. I feel very strongly that I am under the influence of things or questions which were left incomplete and unanswered by my parents and grand-parents and more distant ancestors. It often seems as if there was an impersonal karma within a family, which is passed on from parents to children. It has always seemed to me that I had to answer questions which Fate had posed to my fore-fathers, and which had not yet been answered, or as if I had to complete, or perhaps continue, things which previous ages had left unfinished. -Carl Jung, from Memories, Dreams, Reflections
… So too we are dwarfs astride the shoulders of giants. We master their wisdom and move beyond it. Due to their wisdom we grow wise and are able to say all that we say, but not because we are greater than they. -Isaiah di Triani (c. 1180 – c. 1250)
When you see yourself in your place in your family lineage, how do you experience the direction from which your life flows to you? It’s an interesting question I’m pondering. Sometimes I see my ancestors above me, in the direction of heaven, and the life force is flowing down to me into the top of my head. It feels ponderous, and even a bit oppressive to not only feel that weight and be tempted to carry it, but to sense others looking down on me. This may be due to an unconscious residue from the early god images I formed from attending regular Sunday masses and Catechism in the Catholic church.
I feel more comfortable with the idea of standing on the shoulders of those who have gone before, mentioned by figures as diverse as Isaac Newton, Samuel Coleridge, and Umberto Eco. There are even stained glass windows in Chartres Cathedral which depict the New Testament evangelists Mark, Matthew, Luke and John sitting on the shoulders of the Old Testament prophets Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel and Daniel. While this orientation is easier to take in when I consider my ancestors, I feel a bit alone and vulnerable with them below me and myself facing life in a bigger, colder space, as if atop a mountain.
In Family Constellations we often work by standing and placing our ancestors behind us, both in our imagination and in physical reality in the work with representatives. Our father stands behind us and to the right and our mother behind to the left, and each places a hand on our shoulders so we can feel them there. In a family of origin constellation their parents- our grandparents- may also come to place hands on their children, allowing us to feel even more of the family system from which we agreed to take life. When we turn and look back at them, we are facing the past and all that has happened; and when we turn again and face forward, we are looking into our own life and the field of possibility from which we can create our dreams and longings.
We sometimes see clients who are experiencing the effects of avoiding, denying or being unaware of some part of their family karma. From the consciousness of a youth, it is sometimes too painful to fully feel and integrate the circumstances and conditions of life in the family. A father may be abusive, alcoholic or missing. A mother may be distant, depressed, or misplacing her needs on the child. Even more mysteriously, a difficult fate suffered by an ancestor and not fully grieved and resolved may skip a generation and be carried by a child. Life goes on and the child grows up, but with a diminished flow of love and life force that is meant to be available from the lineage. Yet there were assets and skills developed through the life struggles of the ancestors that can also be conveyed to the children by the passing on of life.
By including all elements of the family system, including the resources of skills, love and wisdom as well as what created the blockage in love, and by standing in the field of knowing invoked in a constellation, new understanding can help open the heart. One possibility of healing comes from looking at what happened with more compassion, and accepting that in this lifetime it could only be this way, with these circumstances. The deepest peace, which may take time, comes from knowing that on the level of the soul there was an agreement to be born and share a life path with this family and everything that would entail. In this quiet, spacious dimension, there can be not just acceptance, but adult responsibility in knowing the soul chose this family and these fates for a higher purpose. A new strength can be experienced through the mind’s letting go of any need to know this purpose in a rational way. This strength can be further developed- not by changing anything from the past, but in continuing to explore the unanswered questions of the ancestors and finding the unique ways of relating to self, others and the divine that work best for one’s own current life.
A constellation on adoption can provide insight, understanding and relief for the unresolved energies that may cling to the souls of the birth parents, adopting parents and adoptee. Although the circumstances which gave rise to the adoption happened long ago (and possibly a number of generations back in the ancestral lineage), they have lingering effects. There are many questions that remain to be lived through for all family members who are involved. An adoptee may want to know what kind of people their parents were, and what qualities and skills they may have inherited from them. They may also wonder about the reasons for the adoption, and retain challenges of feeling good enough in some situations. These questions do not easily reveal their gifts through the logic of language or the assessments of morality, but may be approached slowly and carefully, in the right timing, with the guidance and support of a Constellations facilitator.
There are various levels of consciousness through which one can pass in a constellation. Each level requires greater courage and has different qualities. The beginning stage involves the mind and what one already knows. This usually includes the simple facts of one’s life- for example, what happened and who was involved. It’s this level of knowing that has carried us just so far in life. To go further into healing requires moving into the next level: the watery, uncertain realm of the emotions. A skilled guide will provide resources, a safe platform to which you may return, and adequate buoyancy for wading into the unknown depths at the speed which is right for you.
A first constellation on adoption may begin with representatives for the birth parents, the adopting parents, and the adoptee. After setting up the representatives the client returns to sit with the facilitator and observe. The healing may begin just by looking, as it may have been overwhelming for the client to fully consider all the reasons the birth parents chose to not keep the child. Eventually the facilitator will ask the representatives to report on their own feelings as well as their sense of the others in the constellation. Gradually more of the image of the family soul will be revealed as each takes their turn speaking of their experience. Healing statements may be offered to help reconnect the adoptee to all the members of the family and the ancestral lineage for the reopening of closed places in the heart. There are many ways for the adoptee’s representative to explore their place in the family. The unfolding of the constellation is guided by the spiraling of the ancestral energies as they emerge and move through the group.
At its deepest resonance, a constellation allows a client to drop to the soul level of consciousness and gain wordless insight into the agreements that were made to be born to one’s particular parents. It’s impossible to describe, and each constellation is unique. New learning on the soul level may take place by looking into the eyes of a representative and feeling movement on an inner, timeless dimension. This can take time and needs to move through many stages, so the constellation is allowed to open organically, with respect for its sacred nature. When the resolution that is possible comes to fullness, the representative for the adoptee- or if it’s right, the client- may be able to take their place in the family in an entirely new way. When the constellation is over, the group is advised to consider the sensitive state the client is in, and to not add anything to the experience so the client can begin to integrate the learning, and allow the medicine to do its healing work in the heart.
We are grateful to our teachers, Peter and Jamy Faust, for showing us this method in the three years of training we did with them in their Constellation Approach program. For more information you can read their book The Constellation Approach: Finding peace through your family lineage (Regent Press, 2015) and visit their website www.constellationapproach.com
In our workshops Kelly and I usually begin with a round of introductions, using a particular format that was shown us by our teachers, Peter and Jamy Faust. It goes like this: “I am Charles Albert Cogliandro; I am the son of Augustino Bruno Cogliandro, and I am the son of Dorothy Ann Dippert Cogliandro.” We model this by going first, taking our time, and internally presencing our father and mother as we say their names. We let ourselves feel how we are not only telling the group who we are as individuals, but at the same time representing our parents in the group in their absence. We are the flesh and blood, living embodiments of our parents. It also reminds us that as we were given our names by our parents, they were each named by their parents as well. Over the years of performing this short ritual, I have come to feel dedicated to presenting them well.
After everyone in the group has introduced themselves this way, I usually feel a shift in the room. The air feels a little thicker, and there is a sense to me of more weight with each person. The expected tinge of anxiety or self-consciousness that comes with the opening of a gathering of mostly acquaintances and strangers is transformed to a new depth, openness and awareness. After each person uses their own voice to call their parents’ names, the feeling that each family lineage has heard, taken notice and turned their attention to their descendant is noticeable to me.
We invite our participants to imagine holding this ritual quietly inside as an experiment the next time they meet someone new. In other words, we suggest not that they use these formal words to introduce themselves, but to silently presence their father standing behind their right shoulder, and their mother behind their left shoulder, the next time they are introducing themselves to someone they meet for the first time. For myself, when I do this I feel more solid and less alone when I do it. I know it’s not just myself showing up, and that I come from somewhere tangible.
I invite you to practice this now for yourself, and notice how you feel. Tune into your body and your feelings as you turn away from the computer, maybe look out a window, take a few slow breaths, and go through this ritual out loud. Take your time, and notice anything that comes to you. Be honest with yourself- there’s no right or wrong, just an exploration that might provide information. Do you have resistance to any part of this experience? Is there anything unresolved with either of your parents, or with any aspect of your place in your family?
In our Family Constellations groups we work with people who seek relief from unsettled relationships in their families and unfulfilled aspirations in their lives. Sometimes there is one specific family member with which there is dissension; many times people come to us because they feel like they just don’t belong at all. There may be patterns of depression, illness or addiction across generations. It’s through accessing the holographic nature of a family’s field of knowing that a constellation usually helps someone disentangle from an inherited unresolved trauma that began in a previous generation, and begin to carry their family members in their heart in a new and better way. The work of looking clearly and accepting our parents and family members exactly as they are, allows us to eventually come to peace and wholeness, freeing us from needing anything or anyone to be different. Once we are free of the child’s wish that the past change, we can feel supported by our lineage behind us- in the past- and stand as adults looking into our future, knowing that our successes and failures are our own responsibility.
In these times when both nature and culture are in great turmoil, I find it very helpful to anchor myself with the consciousness of my lineage using this simple practice. With melting ice caps, rising seas, and spoiled resources; with little agreed upon between nations except the recognition of conflict; with trust and respect between citizens and leaders of many institutions diminished, I feel a pervasive sense of unease and uncertainty while knowing to expect change and disruption for some time to come. When I name my origins in my family, beginning with my parents, I feel supported beyond the dimensions of time and space.
I recommend watching the new version of Alex Haley’s ‘Roots’ mini-series that began this week. I remember watching it as a teenager, and the thrill of everyone talking about it as it opened up awareness of the foundations of U.S. history which most people in my world avoided. I understand better now the reasons the slaveowner wanted to rename Kunta Kinte, why Kunta Kinte refused for so long to the point of near death, and how that broken connection with one’s ancestral name remains unresolved for so many in U.S. society.
Family Constellations has in its roots the practices of the Zulu people of South Africa and the ways they remember and honor their ancestors and consult them for guidance and conflict resolution. It’s from southern Africa that all of our ancestors arose. The San, also known as bushmen, are directly descended from the original population of early human ancestors who gave rise to all other groups of Africans and, eventually, to the people who left the continent to populate other parts of the world. The San are the descendants of the original Homo sapiens (modern day man) who occupied South Africa for at least 150,000 years. When I deeply consider my lineage, I have to remember these ancestors as well. It reminds me of my source with the divine origins of life itself.
I share the following thoughts at the close of each of my drumming groups: “We are all part of something much greater than ourselves; we are all connected to each other and to everything there is through the invisible threads of a great web; and our thoughts, words and actions resonate the filaments of the web and affect, in subtle ways we may not understand, the great universal field of consciousness.”
There are many ways I’ve been influenced by the West African drumming music I have studied for almost 25 years. One of the primary skills I’ve developed is the ability to hear the multiple simultaneous rhythms played by the djembe and dunun drums in a piece of music, and how they create the rich orchestration of the whole. This ability has proven valuable in the facilitation of constellation healing work. When a person sets up a constellation, they are invoking and engaging with various levels of consciousness simultaneously. As the process unfolds, one of the jobs of the facilitator is to listen to the music of the overlapping levels and help restore the natural flow of love and life force through the releasing of stuck places, whether caused by trauma, difficult fate, or other unresolved material from the lives of the ancestors.
The first level to consider is the client’s personal energy field. This includes the chakra system and associated levels of the energetic aura, as well as cord connections made through soul agreements with family members. By making it her intention to bring more peace and understanding to an issue with which she has been challenged, the client steps into the possibility of change. The next level included is the field of knowing of their family of origin. This includes father, mother, and all siblings which were conceived together by the parents. If there were any pregnancies which did not result in a birth, or children who may not have lived long, it’s important to include them, especially if they had a significant effect on the family. In cases of adoption, adoptive parents are also included but birth parents are given precedence. Within the family field are the soul agreements the parents made to be in relationship, the unresolved issues they brought to the partnership as inherited from their parents, as well as the agreements of the siblings who entered life through the same unique portal.
The next greater level is the ancestral soul field of the family. Here lie the greater strengths, resources and experiences of all those who were able to pass on life under so many circumstances. It is for these ancestors that we drum, sing and dance in order to remember and honor them and make them feel welcome to support the healing work. They no longer enjoy the pleasures of life in a physical body; when we invite them with celebration to come close, they are reminded of their earthly experiences and may bless us with insight and wisdom.
As facilitators, we’re also trained to hold awareness of the field of all the participants who have gathered for a particular seminar or healing circle. In the holographic nature of the work, there may be resonance between participants who have unknowingly come to heal related issues. A person who is chosen to be a representative for a mother in a constellation may suddenly realize she has unconsciously behaved toward her children in a way that she inherited from her own mother, and wish to explore the roots of that particular belief to find a better way. We watch for openings like this and allow the energies to spiral through the gathering in a natural way, and allow them to guide who sets up the next constellation.
Finally, there is the great soul field of humanity which holds us all. At this universal level there can be an awareness that while each of us has a unique destiny to live out, we share the experience of life with everyone who has come before us, and with all the descendants yet to be born. Everyone’s struggle is our struggle, and everyone’s joy is our joy. Ultimately, as the wise Constellations facilitator Suzie Tucker says, “one constellation is everyone’s constellation.” This shared universal awareness inspires the deep sense of trust and intimacy that can be created in a constellations seminar when participants work through the many threads of their family consciousness, and stand as representatives for each other’s family members.
On Monday, January 18th, 2016- King Day- we offered a Community Constellation for the Healing of Gun Violence in our society. We gathered at The Heal Center in Sandy Springs at roughly the same time similar constellations were being offered in 13 other cities across the U.S. Our deep appreciation goes to Roz Zollinger and Michael Zollinger at The Heal Center for generously allowing us to use your large, beautiful classroom for this event.
Kelly and I began by evoking the presence of Martin Luther King, Jr. and Coretta Scott King by reading quotes from each of them, which are at the end of this article. We acknowledged the people in all the other cities across the U.S. who were also participating. We reminded everyone present of the potentially intense nature of the energies we would be invoking, that we were trusting them with their own responsibility for self-care, and what to do (ask for help) if triggered or overwhelmed.
After sharing about the experiential nature of this type of Constellation, we passed around a list I gathered through Internet research of names of those affected by gun violence from nine different categories: suicides, accidents, domestic violence, mass shootings, civilians shot by police, police shot on duty, drug violence, school shootings, and perpetrators. We asked for participants to each read from one category. I spontaneously began to say ‘Everyone has a place’ after each category was completed. The energy became more dense and heavy, pressing down. One participant mentioned, “it’s endless.” One spontaneously recalled a suppressed memory of being held up at her place of work many years ago- and had not thought of it since then. She went pretty visibly into the memory and trauma while maintaining connection to the present. We gave her space and support until she was ready to go on. After I read the mass shootings category, I began to disassociate a bit and forgot to say ‘Everyone has a place.’ After waiting a minute, someone else stepped in to say it.
After completing this reading we moved into asking the group to suggest who and what needed to be in the Constellation. Without any prompting, the first six named were child victim, their parents, child perpetrator and their parents. Then there ensued an open discussion which generated many more qualities and energies that were part of the issue. Most of them were formulated as awarenesses that were lacking that led to the need for guns and violence:
Profitable Business of Illusion (this was a collective phrase for many forms of media that incite fear)
I began to feel the level of despair in the group increasing, and sensed the heaviness had the potential to become too much. Resources were needed to help us continue to navigate in the deep waters. One participant mentioned that there was a quality of balance that she felt she needed for herself, around balance and connection to divine. I suggested a possible resource, and invited each person to evoke a quality or strength that they desire for themselves in the context of being with the existence of gun violence in our world. Then each person was invited to stand, hold one of a variety of colored mats which we use in the work, say what quality the mat would represent, place it on the floor, and then step onto the mat and into that energy.
Each person named and placed their mats at same time. Some of the qualities were: self-worth, self-trust, a balance of the horizontal and vertical planes, benevolent masculine energy, etc. Once all were done and re-seated, the bell was rung. I looked at the remaining time and consulted with Kelly, and we decided that rather than share about the mat experience, the mats would be placed outside the circle as resources, and the Constellation would begin with the six core representatives named first on the list.
I asked for a representative for each of the following roles in order and a person stood for each. Victim [V]; Victim’s father [VF]; Victim’s mother [VM]; Perpetrator [P]; Perpetrator’s father [PF]; Perpetrator’s mother [PM] It was clear that each representative was choosing to serve the healing with courage and dignity by agreeing to step into each powerful role.
I went to each in the order above, touched them on the shoulder, named who they were representing, and asked them to intuitively find their place. Victim and parents were in a fairly tight cluster toward one edge of circle. VF protectively stood in front of V, with VM behind V. P was to the other side of the circle, facing out of the circle. PF began closer to the outer edge, and PM stood in middle looking back and forth between her child and her husband.
I began exploring by checking in with each one to see what they were feeling, and this process took a long time. There was a real schism between PF and PM, and it had been there long time. PF was pretty checked out, barely wanted to look at anyone, and was in denial of any of it having anything to do with him. PM was distressed about being torn between her husband and child, and eventually chose to turn toward her child. P was enraged, mostly toward PM and PF, and mentioned how the anger needed to come out. When questioned about how it needed to come out, P gestured indefinitely toward the victim family cluster. V was very bothered by VF too close and protective, and only wanted to feel VM’s body against her back. V was also curious about and looking toward P. In P’s family, PM made her first movements toward her child as her only hope, and kind of gave up about her husband. I later suggested to PF that it would be hard, but to consider slowly moving behind his child. Eventually he slowly did. At some point in this movement, P first turned around to start looking at V, VM and VF.
I then worked with VF and VM. I asked them to look at each other, and they admitted how much they had withdrawn from each other, both since the tragedy but also before. This helped V as well as PF and PM. P admitted feeling “like I am an island- and there’s an ocean of grief between us” to PM while looking at her. I had PM say, “and you are still my child,” and this helped them relax and open more. Eventually I invited all the representatives to follow their natural movements, which resulted in P and V at some distance apart but looking at each other, with their parents behind each of them. V said “I feel like a teenager” when I asked “what age do you feel?” V suddenly admitted “I feet like I have some responsibility for what happened” while looking at P. V stated there wasn’t much anger toward P, more curiousity.
With time growing short I acknowledged how much opening and reconciliation they had all created, and that they were invited to make one more movement. Both sides reached out to each other, formed a circle, and all held hands. Some began to say “I’m sorry.” Kelly, as an experienced facilitator of the work and representing VM, guided the movement with the deeper statement “I take responsibility for my part in this.” P said the same, and everyone in turn said the same with heartfelt authenticity. I asked V say to both parents in turn, “I respect whatever way you need to grieve” as they were left behind to do the healing work after their loss.
The closing was extremely powerful, quiet and spacious. Tremendous shifts took place within all the representatives from where they began. I was left with a sense of hope that no matter how deep and painful the act that is perpetrated, there is always the possibility of movement, insight and more understanding.
Here are some notes from the representative for the Perpetrator:
There was a moment at the end when we were debriefing where one of the participants used the word “pawns.” At that instant, I felt the presence of greater forces and how the scenario we embodied was like a game of chess and we had been positioned by those forces. There were a few moments where, for me, I felt energies begin to shift. Victim’s mother wanted Victim’s father to move out of the way. She wanted to “see” (understand) what had happened. Perpetrator (my position) made the choice to “see” what I had done. Victim’s mother looked me fully in the eyes. She was willing to “see” everything that was there. That openness — and there didn’t feel like any judgement was attached, just a need to understand — began a healing in me where I could again “see” and “hear” my mother. My sense was that though we had been positioned by those greater forces, our choices while in the constellation were affecting ‘the bigger picture.’
At one point as the healing dialogue began with my mother, I experienced myself as a volcanic island in a black sea of grief (it felt like oceans and oceans of grief). I was seeping lava (anger) and the waters separated me from everyone and everything. As mother and I spoke and I could finally look at her, the nature of the water shifted and suddenly became the waters that connect.
The anger dissipated completely when my father took his place to the right of me and looked into my eyes. That was the moment love showed up. Father’s eyes were radiant – I remember feeling awestruck — there was so much spirit there.
Unlike the adversarial nature of chess, this experience was not about conquest but a ‘coming back into relationship’. For me, looking back on the experience, it was interesting how the disconnection of the father in both families was a problem. Chuck’s decision to ‘step into’ [the energies of] benevolent male at the beginning of the exercise, I felt, carried through the constellation. There was a point where he crossed behind me and the energy of his movement felt like a healing breeze…
Thanks goes to Alison Fornes for originating the ConstellatePeace movement and organizing the national event. We plan to participate in the ongoing conversation by offering community constellations of this nature on aspects of our society that need resolution and healing.
“The hope of a secure and livable world lies with disciplined nonconformists, who are dedicated to justice, peace, and brotherhood. The trailblazers in human, academic, scientific, and religious freedom have always been nonconformists. In any cause that concerns the progress of mankind, put your faith in the nonconformist!” -Martin Luther King, Jr., civil-rights leader (15 Jan 1929-1968)
“We are coworkers with God, trying to bring about the kingdom of brotherly love and peace. If He sees fit to use us, we must accept His will, knowing that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord. From this belief, I gain consolation and the faith to continue. I believe very strongly that a person must dedicate himself to what he believes. When you decide to give yourself to a great cause, you must arrive at the point where no sacrifice is too great. This is the first demand that is made of us in our great struggle for civil rights.” Mrs. Coretta Scott King, quoted in New Lady Magazine, 1966
I recently worked with Henry, a client who has been frustrated most of his life by feeling like an outsider in his family. There has always seemed to be a mismatch between Henry’s values and outlook on life, and the values of his multi-generational, large extended family. He’s been healthy and successful in his life and marriage, but the sense of disconnection with those he grew up with has been painful and pervasive. He has felt annoyance with what he’s perceived as the family placing too much importance on maintaining a good image in the world, regardless of what is really happening behind the scenes. Henry feels it’s more important to be authentic and truthful, and not worry about what others think of him. He’s also struggled with feeling pressure from family members to participate more in family events, even in one instance when he was expected to attend a family gathering in Tennessee when his wife was having heart surgery in Maryland.
In exploring the family story, Henry shared about a family business which has been important to both his parents, and subsequently to his siblings and the extended family. This business continues to occupy a significant part of his parents’ time and energy. Together we came to the realization that holding onto the business is an important part of the reputation the family has worked hard to protect for many years.
We set up the constellation with representatives for some of the key elements of the family, including Henry, his parents, a grandparent, slavery and the business. In sensing into the various relationships, Henry became more aware of what the business means to his family, and particularly to his father. Henry shared that it was not only passed down from his ancestors, but was part of the family’s experience of emancipation from slavery. As he acknowledged and felt the importance of the business to his father, he came to the realization of how the business was deeply connected not just to the family story but to a sense of growth and survival in the world. With this acknowledgement, he sensed his father’s representative saying to him, “You’re beginning to understand.”
As we penetrated further into the layers of the family consciousness, Henry felt his heart open to the origins of the disconnect he had felt for so many years. Even though he didn’t carry the same loyalty to the business, he could acknowledge its importance to others without having to make one perspective better than the other, just different. Henry could perceive, in a new way, his father’s insistence that the family maintain that loyalty as the care and concern of a father wishing that his children be provided for in a way that has worked for the family for many years. Henry also understood that he could continue to thrive being true to his ways of being in the world, while recognizing that respecting the family’s outlook might lead to better relationships with his parents and siblings. The possibility now exists for the new value Henry places on his family’s beliefs to lead to their recognizing the value in his outlook. (Henry’s name and circumstances have been changed to protect his privacy.)
Comments: In our healing work, we provide the opportunity for you to expand your vision to consciously sense the dynamics with which you have lived unconsciously. In traditional psychotherapy there is an emphasis on you as an individual and what resources you possess for overcoming difficulties and creating more of what you want in life. In Family Constellations, we help you see yourself as part of a larger family system, and help you reconnect to the vast resources of your family network and ancestral lineage in two ways.
First, we look for ways you have resisted accepting either your place in your family or the reality of your family’s experiences. Any experience or person that’s been excluded from its place will reappear in a later generation as an imbalance. The healing often comes from acknowledging and accepting your family just as it is, and being liberated from the energetic drain created from holding up the psychic wall of resistance. When we’re ready to do the hard work and open our heart to all the experiences – especially the painful ones – we can allow in the natural flow of love and life force that’s gotten stuck somewhere in the lineage. This reconnects us to more of our ancestors, and also helps bring healing to three generations past as well as three generations into the future.
The second benefit often comes from learning that the stuck place you feel is not due to any personal shortcoming, but from a belief you created as a child that you are responsible for bringing balance to something in the family history that occurred before you were born. Children are so open when they’re born, having just arrived on Earth from the dimension of pure spirit, that they perceive and take in all the energies of their environment before having language. If an unresolved issue is held collectively in the emotional field of the family, a child – out of love and a sense of belonging to the family – may unconsciously take on the burden of completing the grieving. This is both not the child’s responsibility, and impossible – but also heartbreakingly human. By wading into the deeper and often murky waters of the family energy field, safely and with awareness in a constellation, you may shift your awareness of your family role, be relieved of a task that is not yours, and be liberated to create more of what you do want in your life. In a beautiful, mysterious way, this liberation can create more compassion for your family and your place in it, and help you feel more of the belonging which you have been seeking.
