Conscience and Belonging

“Whenever conscience acting in the service of belonging binds us to one another in a group, it also drives us to exclude those who are different and to deny them the right to the membership that we claim for ourselves.  Then we become frightening for them.  The conscience guarding our belonging guides us to do to those who are different what we fear as the worst consequence of guilt- we exclude them.  But as we treat them badly in good conscience, so do they in turn treat us in the name of the conscience of their group.  The conscience that guards belonging inhibits evil within the group, but lifts this inhibition in regard to those outside the group.  We then do to others in good conscience what our conscience forbids us to do to members of our own group.”   -from Love’s Hidden Symmetry, by Bert Hellinger

“Without a global revolution in the sphere of human consciousness, nothing will change for the better in the sphere of our being as humans, and the catastrophe toward which this world is headed – be it ecological, social, demographic, or a general breakdown of civilization – will be unavoidable.”  -Václav Havel

I’ve been horrified and frightened by increasingly regular accounts of violence and assassination both within the United States, my home country, as well as in other nations, and it was jarring to hear of the attacks in Paris while attending the Family Constellations conference in San Diego two weeks ago.  In our current presidential campaign there have been calls for exclusion and expulsion in order to protect U.S. citizens.  The words of Bert Hellinger, the developer of Family Constellations as it’s now practiced all over the world, and of Vaclav Havel as shared above give me much to consider when I look at what’s been described for many years in the US as a war on terror.

While considering Hellinger’s ideas of conscience, I’ve come to realize that I’ve held an impression since childhood of conscience being an absolute, universal ruler and guide to behavior, understood the same way by everyone. Formed in my Catholic Sundays listening to readings and teachings from the Bible as well as in catechism classes preparing me for the sacraments, I internalized a message that all people always know the right thing to do; and further, whether or not they do that right thing reveals the quality of their character and soul.  In some respects this may be a helpful way to instruct a young person in his beginning awareness of how one creates relationships.  As an adult living in a much less simplified world, Hellinger’s words resonate more deeply with me now.

When I traveled to Beirut in September I had an experience at the airport while departing that revealed to me how I unconsciously carry a belief that I don’t find so attractive.  Going through customs I was asked for the address where I had stayed, and I could not find the paper on which I had printed my host’s contact information.  It should have been in the computer as I had given the address when I arrived, and I saw it entered into the database, but the agent this time did not try to look for it.  He motioned for me to follow him, and I hoisted my bags and walked with him in front of a dozen lines of people waiting their turn to be cleared.

I had already seen numerous people rejected and told to go to a line in the back of the large customs area, but had not seen anyone led away like this, and I was more than a little anxious.  And in my fear I realized I was quietly holding this thought: I’m an American, and surely they will make an exception for me.  I practically cloaked myself in this belief, as if it would protect me from any consequences of the fact that I had not fulfilled this nation’s requirements for crossing their border.  By what right was I above their rules, a first-time guest and visitor to Lebanon?  How could I expect them to see me as superior to those who had been told to go wait in another line for their clearance?

Given my proximity to conflict and violence in the region (visiting Lebanon, a country with Syria as its northern and eastern borders, and Palestine and Israel to the south) this experience for me was a comparatively mild form of stress, and I was able to leave.  Even so, I unconsciously reverted to my identity of belonging to a favored group to get something I wanted.  It’s caused me to consider in a new way Hellinger’s concepts of conscience and belonging, how profoundly the idea of American superiority is embedded in my subconscious, and what the consequences might be for other nations who are in relationship to the U.S. 

A consciousness of exceptionalism has historically informed American consciousness; what feelings does that evoke in citizens of other countries?  And on a larger scale, how could any people who are attacked for belonging to a different group, whatever the reasons, not feel justified in returning that attack with revenge?  And how will the cycle of victims turning into perpetrators be transcended? I don’t have an answer that involves logic or geopolitics, but I feel it will come from the higher realms of heart and soul.  One of the most courageous Americans, Martin Luther King Jr., who faced violent hatred without weapons and triumphed in many ways, said this:  “Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.  Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

I’ll continue to consider Hellinger’s words about belonging and how that force transcends absolutes of right and wrong.

[originally published December 2, 2015]